Fifty is definitely not like turning forty. At forty, I still had not fully grasped the struggles of aging and I had not come to terms with my approaching mortality. To celebrate my fortieth birthday I ran the Grand Canyon 42 miles rim to rim to rim. Sure I had my problems with hamstring pain and other setbacks but I could still knock out a marathon in the 2:40s. I felt like I would never slow down and could always compete for the top spot at trail races. But within two or three years, reality began to set in and my body began to tell me that indeed I was growing old.
At fifty I actually feel great physcially after some setbacks with hamstring surgery and in February, surgery for my meniscus. Knees are starting the age like everything else. But both of these surgeries were smashing successes and I feel like I did when I was in my late 20s when I first began running and cycling. The only difference is I'm just a little bit slower. The heart won't beat quite as fast and I can run a sub 6 minute mile but not two sub 6 minute miles in a row, much less ten of them as I did once.
But I'm definitely okay with that. After two surgeries, I'm just grateful to be fifty and to still be running. Every day I get to run is a great gift. I suspect I will always love the freedom the movement brings. I still sometimes feel like a little kid just running carefree.
Fifty was more difficult in a different way. I see my life now much more clearly. Perspective sets in. I see myself and I see my parents and how they were at my age. I can remember clearly when I was in high school and my mom turned 50. Her friend Deanna had put a bunch of signs in the yard as a kind of prank announcing her 50th to the world. I never imagined myself turning 50 at the time. I only remember riding on the bus and looking at all the funny signs in the yard like "Isn't it nifty, to be 50".
Now that I am 50, and my Mom and Dad are in their 80s, I can truly see myself at their age if I'm lucky enough to get there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can begin to see how the story plays out. Sting has a song "Book of My Life" where he reflects on his life and I am at that point as well. This book is still being written but it's more clear now. My mortality is much more real.
That provokes reflection and that is where I'm at. My children are almost all grown and I can only reflect on the life that Suzanne and I have made for them. There's definitely a sadness to this.
I suspect this won't last long. I already look forward to the independence of travel and the freedom the an empty nest brings. I begin to imagine grandchildren and that all seems wonderful.
The difference between 40 and 50 is simply that all of those things are very real for me now. At 40, we were too busy to slow down and stop and think about it. Though I think we did a pretty good job at trying to seize every day and make it count. And like the Rush song I played endlessly for my kids, Suzanne and I truly worked to make Time Stand Still for them.
I guess I need to also make Time Stand Still now as well.
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